Our deepest gratitude from the very heart of our bottom, Kind Visitor, for your indulgence as we Ottomansplain™. Mahometan & Celestial LLC was founded in response to long and widespread series of transnational unpleasantries culminating in the vandalization of Peking's summer palaces at the denouement of the Second Opium War, our philosophy being that a process of “MODERNIFICATION™" no matter how cynically undertaken is the best defense against the onslaught of any missionizing civilizade. Regrettably, perhaps, our response is roughly a century and a half belated at the very least, but do any of us truly exercise control over when happenstance inserts us into the continuum of history? Thus, equipped with nearly a half century’s aggregate experience in the fields of natural history and metropolitan geography, and firm in the conviction that the early 21st Century is the new late 19th, Mahometan & Celestial LLC expeditionarily scours the globe to make widely and freely available, to all interested at-risk parties, instruction and observations on the subject of conquest-avoidance by means of do-it-yourself re-civilizing, as well as a continually expanding exposition of diverse and sundry artifacts attesting to past attempts thereat. We at Mahometan & Celestial LLC categorically guarantee that the revelations contained within these pages chart the most direct and unfailing course to the modern, meticulously presented so as to be readily comprehensible to, and applicable by, any diligent reader no matter how decadent, half-civilized, barbaric or even savage. Complementarily, we offer for sale a wide range of absolutely no merchandise whatsoever {although rumor has it that a very modest selection of postcards, and perhaps a campaign button or two from the lamentably unsuccessful Kropotkin-Goldman presidential bid of 1904, may occasionally come available for nominal fees upon inquiry, additional to the omnibus volume of the same Inter-Tubal pages you peruse at this very moment, &c.}. All of which said, how may we “MODERNIFY™" you today?
Nor are we alone in this, our common task, and in keeping with this greater vocation Mahometan & Celestial LLC is a proud charter member of the Sino-Circassian Malevolent Society, implacable in its principled commitment to the exuberant laceration of colonizers’ pharynges since the 22nd of May, 1864.